COMMUNION SERVICE: THE FINALE

So I sat down quietly after closing the door like four times. The first time I didn’t want to be rough, the second I tried harder, the third I was getting the hang of it and on the last one I let the anger of the day seep through, it was like the door had mood sensor because the door closed immediately it sensed the anger, that sort of car might be the reason for that anger one day. The guy kick started the car with the help of some members who pushed it a little, okay maybe a long time but it wasn’t too long why? Because I was sitting in the car. After some ‘tutu’ sounds, jerky motions and smoke a lot of it, we were on our way and the guy started small talk which I’ve found not to be a strong suit for me at all but I tried getting along maybe a part of me was scared he’ll tell me to come down literally in the middle of nowhere and after we crossed the bridge, I couldn’t have been happier, I think I can even relate to the Israelites crossing of the red sea or nelson Mandela’s first taste of freedom, you think I’m exaggerating? Pray that you’re never in this situation, I wanted to shout yippee but I knew the battle was not over since the guy had started talking about school like he could relate. Even if you can, just carry me to safety don’t form like you did law courses or philosophy, we have nothing in common, but I couldn’t do that, so new plan was activated.
I called my roommate and talked as normally as possible, it does two things:
It would hinder further discussion
It would give them an inkling as to where I currently was and who was taking me
So I left clues like ‘I’m on my way to the hostel and brother Kunle (brother forbids the romantic thought even if only for a while) had volunteered to bring me and that I was almost at the junction, contingency plan for God forbid any bad thing.
Eventually we got to the junction and brother wanted phone number so I gave him the number , at least the one that’s lost that I give everyone that I don’t like their faces or a continuing relationship with especially since I couldn’t lie about my name this time. In fairness to him he volunteered to take me further but I told him ‘not to worried’ and I hurriedly got out before he’ll try the number and jejely took bike to my school. As soon as I got to school, I just bought food since I was too tired to do anything much less cook, it was mental, physical and everything fatigue.
I’m naturally a gist loving person but even I couldn’t gist in that state so I promised them I would later and slept off after eating. By the time I woke up, I had missed the evening service of my normal very normal church and I felt very guilty especially with my new experience but I promised I would go the next week. I gave my roommates gist while skipping some parts you know it’s not everything I would want to say. Speak of the devil and she shall appear, she came back around 7:30 in the evening and I just thought, Is this when I would be coming back if I had waited? Do they not know that tomorrow is Monday the start of a new week? So I called her out of the room to reduce the embarrassment and first told her to thank Brah Kunle on my behalf before very politely telling her never to come for me again. we still greet now but that’s about it and I’ve been going to church since then and one day I thought I saw Brah Kunle’s car I ducked ni, I just turned my back and faced the only person I saw, the woman selling plantain, let’s just say I eventually bought plantain. Never again!!

I want to thank God for the amazing family and friends he has put beside me. My birthday was amazing, I had fun and I got gifts clothes, perfumes even the cake. It was amazing. As much as I love and appreciate these gifts, my Friday goes to Ene Adejo because today, yeah today she took me out and yes I had fun, it's not everyday you get a treatment like that and it's not every friend that will support and understand me this much. I love you. Thank you so much baby, it means a lot.

And to the ever consistent readers,

Thank you

Love,

Omo Ayan.

💖

COMMUNION SERVICE PT 3

Before offering was preaching on how to give i.e. ‘sow seeds’ so they did, me I kuku dropped 200 naira that’s what I have, may God bless my widow’s mite. The preaching was another hour and half with all sorts of ‘yes lord’, ‘glory’, ‘yes pastor’ and mini workout sessions of standing, sitting, joining in the song raised by pastor, etc. then there was thanksgiving, if I had known I would have dropped 100 naira for offering but who am I? I dropped another 50 naira while managing not to fall into the pot holes on the way to the offering table, the humpty dumpty movement that seemed like enough dance and they were oddly satisfied that I was blending in, emi chameleon fun ra mi.
It was like they divided all the church programs amongst the ‘vibrant’ members and we were just going round and the pastor a, so seemed to have trust issues since he would come up after everybody to say one or two things. Eventually, when I thought service had finished I realised the relief was to be short lived because apparently, the Sunday I decided to go was holy communion service that they had carefully placed in the evening that just happened to be two hours plus away so members stayed behind so they wouldn’t have to go and come back. What kind of nonsense is this bayii? So what have we been waiting for in church since morning? Is this how service goes for them every Sunday?
Since the place was practically a jungle with only one shuttle in and out, I had no choice but to be patient after all patience is key. But only a couple of hours in and several conversations after I discovered ‘no, I just can’t do this?’ so I started praying, you know all those ‘God if you can get me out of this hale and hearty, I would praise you, in fact ill never try something like this again and I’ll go to my church next week Sunday’. I checked my phone and saw a couple of missed calls mainly from my roommates I’m sure they were probably wondering where I disappeared to. At least thank God they can hold her responsible if anything although it’s not I want anything to happen since I’m the subject in this case. I also missed my mum’s calls, the poor woman was probably worried and I know that receiving her phone call with all the noise will birth questions that I don’t think I’ll be ready to answer in a long while to come so I sent her a text telling her I would call back. They tried o, at least they gave me doughnut even though I couldn’t eat it and I stylishly kept it in my bag for a later disposal, I mean who knows if that’s how they caught all these ones, one can’t be too careful these days.
While doing all these PA work, someone among them received a call that sounded really urgent and had to go into town ( I say town because where I was even though in the heart of Ibadan seemed anything but a town and centre of civilisation) for a while although he promised to be back in time for holy communion service. God forgive my lying I quickly made something up about a roommate and health centre which got a lot of ‘may God heal her o’, ‘extend our greetings to her’ and all of that, so the man offered me a ride and ushered me to the car, isn’t our God a good God? When I got to the car, I was amazed and at the same time I did not feel a thing.
Do you know all those cars that you’re confused as to their original make since the front has Gallant, lights are Mitsubishi and the dashboard is reading Mazda then the mirrors are wearing Honda, it’s like coat of many colours but cars of many makers, I’m thinking it was a joint collaboration effort on the car, most likely the first and last. I don’t even know if gallant still exists or if they’ll remember they ever made a car as this and apparently the reason for the discontinued joint collaborative effort is because it did not work out as the car looked rough and felt even more so, but beggars are not choosers are they? Any chance to escape the trap I’ll take it even canoe!!

That's how the amazing God that I serve made a way for me.




Sorry for the late updates. I had a lot going on, exams, my birthday yes you heard right. Thank God it's all settled now.



Thank you so much for your understanding.
Love,
Omo Ayan
💖

COMMUNION SERVICE PT2

Eventually we got there and she handed me over to one brother like that. Small talk is naturally nit mu forte but with him it even became the bane of my existence, I never thought I’ll say this about any person, but he put me off so I just looked for one corner and sat there quietly, but in a church where everyone knows everyone and there’s no new person, I stood out like a sore thumb even with my flats instead of heels, no make-up compared to my moderate every Sunday one, studs only rather than dangling earrings, lip chapet instead of lip stick or gloss sef, doughnut hair rather than letting it down, etc. I was at my plainest yet people stared at me like lady gaga (well the former one) had stepped in and pastor needed to cast out the spirit in me. I just told myself two hours more and I’m out of here. I should have known not to believe her since she’s lied about many things including but not limited to distance of the church, the ‘no change’ when it was time to pay the transport fares, her role as a visitation member (did I mention she was the lead choir person, I don’t know what they are called and that’s why she left me with brother only God knows who, who I’ve ditched) and then the bus!!!, the bus, o Lord!! that bus).
The church looked like something that wouldn’t even carry animas in Obasanjo farms but I’m not one to judge by appearance or am I? everything about it was shady and then the PASTOR came, you would think she was also his personal hype man with all the prophet, evangelist, pastor… going on and the inside joke that she and the congregation shared. The man sha eventually came up and the first thing he did was to call the new member (I don’t know who told him he’ll see me next week or any week for that matter) out for prayer so I politely excused myself and by excused I mean running to the nearest usher and asking where the toilet is. I mean I would rather embarrass myself twenty times over than allow this man lay a finger on me. The destiny that’s not enough for me that he wants to share, lai lai. She pointed me to a shack, I didn’t even mind, I asked her for tissue which she borrowed form someone and gave me, can you imagine that during this time, it was like the whole church was waiting for me to shit and come back, from where and when the usher said with a condescending look ‘can’t you wait until after the prayer?’ I summoned my acting skills particularly my innocent look and told her it was urgent and I had been stooling since before service. Reluctantly, they sha let me go and I shot like a rocket into the shack. Believably, the ride may have turned my stomach a bit ‘cause I had some shit to drop and I was just praying that my shit will not become G-Wagon so I stalled.
While I was in the shack, I thought of ways of escape but unless I wanted to be kidnapped and cut to pieces, the road cannot be walked alone, the reasonable part of me told I’ve entered this one and would have to wait for end of service. I wait on you, Lord I wait on you!!! My shit was too smelly to stay there anymore longer than the time I had so I stepped out ready to face my fears. As soon as I got to the church, imagine my shock when they were doing anointing and by anointing I mean the commotion part of laying hands (the reason for my flight) and falling down in most ungraceful ways which seemed too practiced to be real so I weighed shit smell and ground smell and well, shit smell won, back to the shed. Before I could make my escape however I met the sneer of the sister that gave tissue and was asking me jamb questions asking me once more what I was doing outside the church, lai se monitoring spirit fa. I was never happier knowing I could lie until it came out of my mouth that I was looking for more tissue to clean up and water to flush.
Reluctantly, she showed where I would fetch the water from and by where it was a stream where you had to position the bucket in a way to fetch, ah my new abode. After farting once she gave me my personal space while also explaining the stream was their baptismal, hmm na tour business be that o, I won’t be here long enough anyway. I fetched the first round with the leaking bucket and then told her I wanted to fetch another one that the shit didn’t go so we went back. She kept on complaining as to how I was making her miss the highlight of the service (imagine my surprise, I always thought choir time or praise and worship session was the highlight of any service maybe even sermon but this?) so I kept my innocent expression and apologized to her and by the time we were done, we met the speaking in tongues part of the service, this I can live with or so I thought.
It became evident that the particular sector of the service would last forty five minutes and I didn’t know until after the forty five minutes, did I mention there was no bulletin whatsoever and pastor dictated what was to be next. How do I know this? Well I asked my ‘new friend’ what was next and she said to wait for pastor to tell us. Everyone spoke in the same tongue, hmm end time churches, I just kept my mouth moving pleading blood of Jesus so when she asked where I learnt mine I had to lie and say from my former church, I mean do you even learn speaking in tongues? She then added salt to the injury by stating that she doesn’t think that will be allowed anymore since I have to pass the tongues class as one of the prerequisites for becoming a member, I didn’t even want to know the rest.

Love, 

OMO AYAN

❤

COMMUNION SERVICE PT1

So last week Sunday, I followed my friend to a church. Let me start from the very beginning. There is a particular girl in my hostel, she does all these fellowship and church stuff, in her mind it’s called evangelism, I always thought evangelism was bringing the lost souls to Christ until I discovered that this girl’s version was church recruitment. I have to give it to her, she was very persistent and convincing, it was almost pitiable. Every day, she would come to my room as some sort of ‘visitation tactic’ and come and turn the bible upside down and each time I’ll tell her politely (or not) to leave but she kept coming back, it was parasitic. So last week, I called her and told her that I would go to her church on Sunday and in return she would never come to my room ever again. it seemed like a good deal to her and she accepted thinking her church would change me but the way my heart was and with all the prayers I’ve used to shock it, nothing will happen o at least it won’t in Jesus’ name.
We stood outside our hostel gate waiting for the ‘bus’ that she said would come. Thirty minutes, one hour, one hour thirty minutes, I realized this when I checked my phone and saw 8 o clock. We stood there for one hour thirty minutes and when we almost gave up to go ourselves the bus showed. Hmm, my people, what will my eyes not see? The bus she so mightily described to me was anything but what I was seeing. The bus looked like it would fall apart on its own now add overloading to it, all these ‘manage here’, ‘that place can contain you’, ‘if you put your feet there, you’ll find space to seat’ and even we knew we couldn’t manage not unless we had plans of parachuting out the trap they called a bus. So we went to church ourselves.
On the road to their church, I paid more than half of the fares, ‘she didn’t have change’ me that I knew that was the last time. Their church was like all those fake churches you see on Africa magic epic, imagine any stereotype and you have it. The place was really far to begin with, we almost spent an hour. In some places, we’ll take bus, some bike, the only thing we didn’t take was canoe because we trekked over the death trap they called the bridge. Into your hands o lord I commit my spirit, we trekked fire which left me wondering the fate of the ‘lucky ones in the church bus’.
Apparently that was the beginning of my problems.

I want to celebrate my sister, her birthday was yesterday and I also want to make a shout out to uncle Sodiq who does not miss any update and who encourages me to update.
I'm sorry I couldn't update last week, had a lot going on exams and all. Thanks for your understanding. It's going to be a double update today. Sit tight.

Love,
OMO AYAN
❤

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

Welcome to my world, where fines are flying, ranging from 2k to 5k. In fact, these people don’t seem to know this is the Buhari era when they slam you with 5k fine. Your wall is dirty-5k, rain water on your balcony-5k(did I send the rain?), one idiot from another block shits near your floor-5k per person, your stubborn roommate is cooking-5k, your friend comes to visit and leaves the door open-5k, okay maybe not like that but anything now is 5k even washing anywhere. Imagine if you’re now the cause of four other people’s 5k and the onus is on you, in short 25k haff knack, edakun in this economy that’s everlasting debt. Begging for alms can’t get you that kind of money even your parents will ignore you for such outrageous request. So my roommates and I came up with a solution we called ‘the ripple effect’.  Officially some of us have no net worth so imagine one unknown idiot commits a crime that gets you fined, while trying to get the money another roommate gets you fined, you’re almost suicidal and then you get your self fined. Here’s what you do, you start prostitution and since you’re an amateur and your body is not gold, your market price has not increased. You can’t really earn much considering there’s competition, girls who would offer the same services if not better for less, so you’re unlucky the first customer uses up all your bodily fluids in the ‘rigorous exercise’, you use your earning to buy blood tonic and pain relievers but at least you’re thankful you’ve not become Benz. Then you keep going all through the week and by the time you count your earnings you’re still 10k short of the 25k. So you lie to your parents about a textbook of 5k but you’re unlucky and there’s actually a very important textbook of 2k and that’s not counting day-to-day upkeep so after buying that you still need 7k. the next step, you borrow from your ‘business associates’ if you know what I mean and promise to pay the 7k back with 8k as per incentive after next week’s work. infact you try to upgrade your 'business' too and from there, because of one hostel somewhere, the path of your life has changed. It is now a prayer point not to get fined cause your life can spiral from there, you may even snatch your warden’s husband from there or get pregnant for her son, the ripple effect that started with the 5k movement.

While this article does not proffer prostitution as a legal or moral alternative to problems, it also goes to say not all laws can be followed and while we try our best, the spirit of the law should be followed rather than the letter of the law and we should never lose our humanity. There’s no money out there and we simply can’t afford all these so gently o!

With love from me to you especially the people who never miss any update. I love you.
LOVE,
OMO AYAN
❤