SECRET OCCUPATIONS OF OUR PARENTS THAT I'VE DISCOVERED DURING ISOLATION

A male voice saying, “pay your rent” was what I woke up to early one morning. I’m sure many of you are wondering if I am really at home, especially during this period. So to answer your question, yes I am at home and it was my father asking for rent. I kid you not people of God, my father is now my landlord and he came to demand for rent earlier this morning,

This has led me to believe that our African parents have secret occupations and I will shed some light on the few that I’ve discovered during this isolation.
My father is a landlord and I’m guessing we can all guess what landlords in Nigeria do.

 So he collects rent, controls generator time, and can do anything in his house e.g. playing radio at a very loud volume just to elicit a reaction from us, the innocent tenants.

My mum is a doctor, pharmacist, and with the way she’s going she will soon find a cure to Corona virus.

My mum is positively disposed to herbs and herbal mixtures in whichever form they come and avoiding her in this house has become like Tom and Jerry.

My parents are secret detectives.

So background story, I watch a lot of crime and action movies which is not my parents’ favourite genre and that’s putting it mildly.

During this isolation, they’ve learnt to put up with me and I find that they’ve become detectives since they now comment during these shows (which are usually wrong btw). Sometimes they go, “the man in black definitely killed him” but the man in black is an undercover agent, so I just keep my mouth shut and then when it’s all revealed, they are like, “what just happened?” or they just look away.

My parents have gist.

During this isolation, I’ve discovered that my parents have a lot of gist, some juicier than the others. You will also find that they sleep late now and press their phones more.

So now I’m wondering, what happened to all those lectures about how bad phone is and how sleeping late affects the human mind?

My parents are food critics (and since we cook, we know it best)

restaurateurs, politicians and even counsellors.

On a serious note, they give the best advice but the part that gets me is when they give advice to people who aren’t present. I do that too but it’s me so I excuse myself.😊

My sisters are comedians and terrorists. You must be wondering how something so good is merged with something so bad.  They all know how to send you errands.

Wonder no more, my sisters are the best, I mean they can make you laugh but they can also terrorise your life, I’m sure anyone with siblings will corroborate this story.

My father is apart-time lawyer (not by book), he has not stopped talking law with me, me that I just want to laze around and forget all my school books.

We are all part-time artistes, I mean we make the hit songs.

Side note: my parents now do not mind dressing up,

watching shows and even appearing in videos and taking photos something we had to force them to do prior to isolation. God is mighty!!
Feel free to drop a comment about any secret occupation you have also found out about your parents.

Images were sourced from Google Images, kraks.co and asoulfulstorm.wordpress.com

Also, they will now be columnists on this blog, so watch this space.

Thanks for reading.
LOVE,
❤
OMO AYAN

CHOIR PRACTICE OVER WHATSAPP VIDEO CALL

Here comes the time ♫♬  when everything has to be done online or not done at all. So, my sister and I were discussing today. Today is Saturday and we were supposed to go for choir practice by 4, but as you know, there is no church so there is no practice. We were wondering what life would be like if we were actually still going to have the practice just over video call. Bear it in mind that this is Nigeria not everyone has data, the data connection will most likely be bad, African mothers will always have errands, the adults will not know how to video call or put the camera too close to the face and there may not be light to charge oh and don’t forget that as Nigerians, many will come up with excuses not yet known to man like I want to see if the cloud outside is blocking the connection or something equally as silly.
Moving on, if we were to have a virtual choir practice (not in my church though), I’m almost sure it will go like this:
Choir master created the group, “GLORIOUS VOICES”
Choir master added 64 participants
50 left
Choir master initiates the call
Only 4 pick
Choir master: I don’t know why only five of us will be here for practice. God is a patient God. Most of us have brought our online behaviour into God’s presence. We forget that God is everywhere including here
Sister Rita looks up
Choir master: Sister Rita, why are you looking up, is it not true that God is here? Are you sure you can see him? In fact Sister Rita pray for us.
(After the prayer)
Choir master: so as I was saying, we need to reverence God in all that we do. BLOOD OF JESUS!!!!
All participants: what happened sir?
Choir master: Sister Rita!! What are you wearing? And you know that men are here, Brother Kunle, please stop looking at her. Oh my God, Sister Rita, please cut the call and leave the group, we’ll discuss your punishment later.
(Sister Rita left the group)
Choir master: so Brother Kunle, please run us through the song.
Brother Kunle: (all participants see Sister Rita in the background) ehm Choir master, my battery is low, I have to charge.
(Brother Kunle cuts the call, sister Sola takes initiative)
Sister Sola: do reee fa l
(Sister sola disconnects)
Choir master: her network was really bad, maybe she will call back but let’s not forget that the Bible says “where two or three are gathered…” so we will move on, we will all sing together now from chorus to verse one. One, two three…go
(Song is scattered in different directions, the network is bad and some are confused, Choir master becomes angry)
Choir master: in fact, we don’t take the things of God well. Most of us will prefer to talk to ungodly men. In fact choir practice dismissed, (before he goes on, 08097868543 left) she didn’t even wait for me to finish, is this how to serve God? The rest of us, if we like let us listen to the song and practice, if not let us sing rubbish during Easter service, imagine out of 64 choir members, I had to load my phone for data, we need to take things seriously, some of us prefer to listen to worldly songs and…
(“Nobody” by dj Neptune plays and choir master picks the call)
“Hello, I’ll call later”
Comes back to the phone: (clears throat) God help us.

OR
CONFERENCE MEETING OVER VIDEO CALL
Possible problems
Some people will be wearing suit on top and boxers under (something I can do, in fact something I’ve done, people who viewed my status on my birthday can testify)

There will be noise from Africa magic Yoruba underneath
The network will most likely be good depending on the company
Finally, someone sneezes and everyone disconnects starting from the Chairman.

On a different note, I thought I was stocked up, yesterday, I took a walk and bought chips, chin chin apart from the ones my father got, even got groundnut, ice cream, etc thinking that in my mind I have stocked up. People of God, today has not ended and I have nothing left. Praise the Lord!!


This is just for laughs and is not a factual representation.

The updates are more regular now to make your self isolation fun. Hope you enjoyed it.

LOVE,
❤
OMO AYAN

TEN MISTAKES YOU MAKE WHEN BRUSHING

In this time of self isolation, we’re going back to the basics.

If you think you’ve been brushing right, then get ready to be shocked.

1. Brushing less than 2 minutes:

never be in a hurry, 2 minutes is the recommended time by dentists to brush your teeth.

2. Rinsing your mouth with water after brushing: it reduces the efficacy of the fluoride but habits die hard don’t they? So make conscious effort from henceforth. You can use a mouthwash instead.

3.Using your brush for too long: aunty, uncle, after three months, please change your brush, if not the bristles won’t brush your teeth well. This also extends to having the wrong toothbrush, when it comes to brushing, the softer, the better.

4  Not cleaning your tongue: when you brush your tongue, it helps to get rid of bad breath.

5. Brushing hard and in up-to-down motion: it’s better to brush in circles and softly.

6. Random brushing: brushing is an art not a chore so please try to maintain a rough 45° angle, your  if you buy a good brush, I’m sure you would notice it is slightly bent, it helps with discolouration.

6. Switch things up a bit. Change your brushing style once in a while. Start from an unfamiliar spot and you just may be surprised by the result.

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8. Brushing right after eating may damage enamel especially after foods containing citric acid which softens the enamel.

9. Sharing toothbrushes: this facilitates sharing bacteria from mouth to mouth.

10.Storing brush in the bathroom might not be the best idea, germs may settle on the bristles, so try storing it elsewhere.

This list has been compiled from various articles just for your dental care. Hope you enjoyed it.
After this, get ready to smile with confidence when the lockdown is eased.

(C) Google Images

Thank you so much for reading.
Love,
❤

OMO AYAN

WHAT DOES YOUR BRUSHING TECHNIQUE SAY ABOUT YOU?

If you’ve ever shared accommodation with anyone, you would agree with me that we all have our ways of brushing and that it sometimes reflects our behaviour. Let’s catch some cruise👿👿


MMA FIGHTERS

CHARACTERISTICS: Funny to watch but not quite when you’re close to these kind of people. They tend to assume all poses. Sometimes you ask yourself, are they brushing or practicing for next year’s Olympics?
CHARACTER: tendency to be violent in their sleep, may also have several altercations with people, believe in brute force.

OYOWMA

DOCTOR’S NOTES: We cannot emphasise this enough, it is not by power or might, buy good brush not smoker's brush and please note that it is your mouth, please treat with care. I just don’t get it, must you brush till you bleed I mean, what’s up with that?
CHARACTERISTICS: applies force and strategy. Also, position is important to these set of people, they must stay where the sink is not chipped, may also use chewing sticks every once in a while. They may also like to stay near the mirrors and use colourful cups. Most importantly, they set up and if you don’t understand this, please imagine a makeup artiste opening up her box to start owanbe make up.
CHARACTER: may be hypocritical, tend towards believing in face lift or a sense of false cleanliness. I’m talking about the people who ‘sweep’ but keep some junk under their beds.


CCC (COOL, CALM AND COLLECTED)

SIDE NOTES: These are rare as gems, you almost never see them. They are like the Hollywood stars we see on TV. Truth be told, most Nigerians tend to add a little more effort just to be sure. Better safe than sorry.
CHARACTERISTICS: they use the recommended types of brush, change it every three months, may or may not visit the dentist but try to practice good dental care regardless, also brush the right way. They may also get sensitive about where the paste is pressed from.
CHARACTER: tends to plan ahead, may also be a perfectionist or a little rigid, may or may not be a serial killer.

SPIT GENG

I’m not sure how to introduce these people but we have to, don’t we?
CHARACTERISTICS: makes you wonder whether you brush your own teeth too. They are quite sloppy and also take their time when brushing. Also they tend to get lost in thought while performing this act.
CHARACTER: tends to fall victim to peer pressure, might also be quite slow in performing day-to-day tasks, and also tends to overlook things

ACCURATE TIME WASTERS

CHARACTERISTICS: These set of people do not actually take the time to brush but take time in doing other things. They spend this time talking to friends, playing music (they even sing along) or engaging in some form of social activity or the other.
CHARACTER: happy-go-lucky, quite hard to pin down, very social animals

DISCLAIMER: please note that this is for laughs and is not intended to be taken seriously. Thanks.


So which are you? To know this, answer these questions...
How long does it take for you to brush your teeth?
Is your brush an international brand name and how old is your brush?
Do you have a special place where you keep your toothpaste and brush?
Of the categories, which do you identify with?
Not that it matter, but do you press your paste in the middles, at the bottom or use a dispenser?

Please try to answer YES/NO as applicable.

(C) Google Images


Please try to stay indoors and in all, stay safe.
LOVE,
❤
OMO AYAN

TYPES OF PEOPLE AFTER EXAMS

CONSTITUTION REVIEW COMMITTEE
These people count it on themselves to review every exam. Most times, they always over-read for every exam so it seems to go well however some times they're wrong and they only serve to sadden others. They are also the ones who'll say it’s not 38 it's 50 when you got 120.78 as your own answer.

CARDI’S
Thre’s always something to rant about, it could range from “the man slied us” to all the “even thoughs”. “Even though he said it'll come out, why did it come out like that?”

I DON’T CARE
People like me who don’t care what you have to say, I can't change it anyways, so I don’t even bother waiting after the exam. E go be ✌

VAMPIRES
To these ones, every exam is bad. It's always so bad that they prepare for carry over or extra year and if they sense any good energy they have to drain it out by whinning you or just telling you that one answer is bad so that you be as miserable as them. Joy suckers association, an international organisation with it's headquarters in Nigeria.

PAST QUESTION
No chills geng! We've literally just finished one and they're already asking for past questions for the course we haven't even started, the course is probably not even this session.

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen!!👏👏 the second update.

Love,

❤

OMO AYAN

WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?

Hello guys and welcome to my blog, yes I said it. Sorry it’s been a while but I’m back and today I’m giving multiple updates 💃💃.

Today we are going deep on some egungun be careful vibe (if you don’t know what that is I’m sorry I cannot help you but you can leave a comment down bellooww *winks)

and before we dive in, let’s all be safe #coronavirus however let’s not panic, I love you guys!!!

Moving on, I’m sure many people are wondering the answer to the question, “why is a girl/guy like you still single?’ first and foremost, I would like to put it out there that I am currently single and available (not searching) you can thank Abimbola Craig and Abisola Aiyeola for that. So, uhm, in this single state, I feel like it’s the best time to evaluate this question for all of our sakes. Also, some people are in a relationship where they are single,

 my dear, don’t run, this is for you so grab a chair and sit.
If you already know the answer to the question, then this update might not be for you, work on that and be better for your own sake. However, if you think you know the answer hold on, let’s thrash this out first and you can decide if this update is for you.

2. The second reason you are single is because you worry too much. According to me, it is the law of life that when you chase after something, it runs, well unless it’s a dog, I mean you don’t wanna try that.

 But honestly, you worry about time you think you don’t have time, you worry about the man that is not yet present, you worry about what others will say, you worry about what you’ve said, at this point quite frankly I do believe you get the gist, you’re on and on about something. Darling, be calm.

3. You see what’s bad in it so you hurry yourself up. Being single is good and very important. If you’re in a relationship you would agree with me that sometimes you wish you were single. I get the fact that you sometimes wish for companionship but sometimes you are also being unrealistic. There are certain things that you can only do when single so if you’re the type of person who jumps from relationship to relationship then oomph, Mrs. Waka waka be careful na express you dey.

4. The fourth reason for your “singility” is that you either have an unrealistic view or an unhealthy one and these two are not mutually exclusive. I feel like this is the right time to state that if you are an introvert or say 70-90% introvert like me and you’ve heard people say “put yourself out more”(in an annoying tiny voice), I would like to state that this is not 100% foolproof. Engage in useful things right? But also note that the crowd you “put yourself out “into determines the net that catches you. Oh and while you’re at it, live within your means, that cannot be over-emphasized.

5 fifth reason is simply that you are jobless or over-working. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but sometimes that’s why you’re single and if you don’t tackle it that will be why you might be in a bad relationship or even marriage. Get busy doing something productive oh and it doesn’t have to be getting the cure to cancer, I mean if you can do that, that’s fine but it might be something little like starting with cleaning your room, start that book, basically do something you enjoy ( that doesn’t involve killing, maiming, kidnapping people etc., you get the drift).

Oh yeah I’m sure some of y’all noticed that number one is missing, yes I know. It’s because that’s the most important, Confidence. This stems from self love and acceptance. I’m no guy but your vibe tells us if you’re confident or proud or just meek and I only find the first appealing and I think that courts for all human beings.  Love yourself. This is not to embrace bad habits but if you have any unhealthy habits don’t love it, CHASE IT OUT! But accept yourself. The day you do, you start to see yourself in a better light and you stop waiting for the next car or the next guy to ask your number because now, you’re in love with God and you. And that is why you see some people reject some “eligible guys” without batting an eyelash, it’s not playing hard to get cause ain’t nobody got time for that, it’s cause she’s genuinely uninterested because she knows her worth and knows she deserves better. At that point, no unserious person will approach you, so my dear slay on, awon eyan slayónce.
Who says there’s anything wrong with being single btw? My dear don’t kill yourself, that being said, I’m typing now with a pot of spaghetti right in front of me so take life easy, okay?
PS: I do these things too 🙈🙈🙈but I’m on my journey so…

Thank you so much for reading, today is a double update btw so you might want to hang around and read the next one which I promise is not so deep.

Image: Google images

LOVEEEEEE,
❤
OMO AYAN
Your one and only 😉

FOOD OR HEALTH?

Hello guys, sorry I've been MIA, between resuming school and my village people who have upgraded from keke to bugatti btw I've been busy. I could never be too busy for you all so here I am. Well, this update will be quite unconventional for this blog because it's more of a rundown of my new year travails😂

  So I had to resume in a hurry because my dad volunteered to drop us off about a week earlier than I would have loved, you know me being the no worries kinda person, well I panicked cause I had to pack in a day and my things were everywhere but look, I made it!! After resumption, it's been like a burst pipe of school work which I'm still trying to contain.
   Moving on, I've not been feeling too well you know with my village people in conjunction with Mosquitoes incorporation who have made me the producer of their hit single "malaria and more", so I was shuttling between the clinic and a couple of errands I had to run yesterday when I saw one fine young man (my weakness). Fun fact: did you know that appreciating handsome men gives momentary happiness? According to me, you can thank me later. So I saw the young man and while I was trying to psych myself you know, telling myself mafo baby when I was already shattered😁 lo and behold, I looked down and he was wearing crocs😏 I just waka.

   Another aside, the main reason I went to the clinic disappeared on me after I was already at the clinic, it wants to turn me to a liar but I won't agree. Lai lai.
     All these back story is just introduction to the main story for today. So I got some drugs from the clinic and all and according to instructions, I was to use one 2hrs before or after food, another 30 minutes before food and the remaining two after food. So I went to the cafeteria and bought pounded yam (which my roommate calls py, I mean who disrespects pounded yam like that?). By the time I got back to the hostel, I spread out the drugs ready to use them and all when I was plunged into a dilemma.
Could I afford 30 mins before this py?

Shey hunger will not kee person like this? Why did I buy py? Maybe if i had bought rice i would not be so tempted. Eventually, I came to a conclusion and I decided to resume my treatment this morning and first treat myself to a plate of py and egusi.

Guess what guys? I'm back at the clinic. I probably should have taken the drugs, but all that is in the past and I have no regrets. I mean, who eats cold py anyways?

So what would you have chosen, food or health? This is a valid question for those of us who are friends with our food.

Oh and official video of "need you" by fireboy is out and I was not in it😭 bhet we move😁


A special thanks goes to Feranmi, a dear friend of Feli a.k.a. fish road, he's the reason you can now view pictures so thank you very much.  I really really appreciate you.


I'll also like to say Happy New Year even though it's 17th already but who cares?
Thank you for your support and for reading.
You all should check out my business page on IG: weavesbyarike.

Thank you so much,
Love,
OMO AYAN
❤